Another Lord of the rings parody
by toxic-kitty
Summary: Yet another lord of the rings parody.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer-

I don't own LOTR. Nor do I claim to so If you could not sue me that'd be great.

This is supposed to be a parody,I'm not trying to annoy any LOTR fans.

Rated mostly for bad language.

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Chapter 1-

"Ahhhh young hobbit, you crave adventure" the old wizard said in a mystical voice, you could practically hear his eyes twinkling, it was just one of those things.

"No", the hobbit answered, sounding puzzled, "I crave cake", he looked up "I like cake, cake is great."

"So this adventure you crave..." the wizard replied, (after muttering "bloody hobbits" under his breath). "...I have a quest you must under take young Dodo, it is perilous and fraught with danger and peril and orcs... did I mention the peril?"

"But", Dodo tried to inject before being interrupted by the wizard.

"SO for your quest you must journey to the perilous mount doom and destroy the fabled bracelet and matching earrings of power, we should journey to the ancient house of somethingorother, where your fellowship will be chosen. But, as I can't be bothered, here's a bunch of freaks that answered the want add I put in the paper: your adoring, slightly gay gardener Pam, two distant relatives who are really the same character, the heroic, rightful heir to some throne, and a dwarf and a elf who hate each other at first but will grow close, in a seemingly platonic way."

"Hi" said Pam

Dodo looked at the unusual fellowship that had just trotted, walked, swaggered and pranced into his living room.

"Oh and the human who will betray you" the wizard remembered.

The human made a grab for Dodo, which disappointed Pam as he was going to.

"Give me that bracelet and those matching earrings", he cried, just before a hail of arrows flew through the window and hit him in the chest'

"What the hell!" Dodo asked, shocked.

"Ahhh" the wizard replied wisely,' "narrative convention".

Dodo attempted to remove the arrow from his fallen comrade, but recoiled in pain.

Grandalf gasped at the splinter in Dodo's finger. "You have been injured by a dark and evil weapon, we can remove the splinter but the pain from the wound will never truly leave you."

"Bollocks" Dodo muttered.

Pam looked up, "I could give him a sponge bath," he said hopefully.

Dodo looked fearful "That won't be necessary Pam," he replied

"He's so brave" Pam breathed.

The tall elf, flicked his platinum blonde hair like a shampoo model, batted his eyelashes, and pouted. All women in a five-mile radius automatically swooned. The dwarf stood sneering at him from near Dodo's TV.

"I hate elves", the dwarf announced.

"And I hate dwarves" the elf replied. They glared at each other, keeping eye contact for a suspiciously long time. A fly that buzzed into the space between the two spontaneously combusted.

"I think I heard a noise" Blondelas the elf said breathlessly, not taking his eyes off Gimi the dwarf. "I'll go check on it". With that he left, swinging his hips far more than was necessary.

"I'll help" Gimi squeaked and rushed off after the elf...

They emerged back 30 minutes later with gimi's trousers on backwards and Blondelas's shirt buttoned wrong.

"Can I finish my story now?" the wizard asked testily.

"As I was saying..."the wizard continued.

"Can I just interrupt for a second Grandalf", Dodo asked. The wizard just glared at the hobbit as he continued

"Well you are a wise and powerful wizard aren't you?"

"Yes" Grandalf replied, not liking where this was going.

"You have journeyed far and wide?"

"Yes"

"You have connections?"

"Yes"

"You know every secret passage way between here and where ever the hell your makeing me go?"

"Yes"

"AND you own a very fast horse?"

"And?"

"So...why the hell can't you destroy the bloody things!" Dodo said "And don't give me that I'd be tempted bullshit, because my uncle had these things for years an you could have just kicked his ass and nicked them or got him to sell them to you, or something."

"Listen", Grandalf growled. "You are going on this journey fraught with unimaginable dangers, you will face hardships you can't even dream of and monsters worse than those from your nightmares. You will risk your lives, you will suffer, you will forge deep bonds and," the wizard glanced at Pam who was listening to boy zone on his Walkman. "You will see each other in new lights, and I will be there, watching"

He looked around. "I will make notes and write a book, it'll sell better than 'Grandalf's 1001 uses for old shoes'. Then I'll turn the book into a film and make millions...mwahahaha etc."

"Ok I'm confused" said Walker. "The shoe book or the other book?"

"Shut up and get going, take the number 9 bus to the middle of the forest and go see that jumped up tart Gallllllllllllllladrielll."

Then they were kicked out of Dodo's house and did as they were told.

Thus they're journey began.


	2. Chapter 2

So they took the number 9 to the center of a creepy forest (dear reader this story will have many forest, makes you just long for a mini mall doesn't it?). Nothing much happened on the bus. They played I spy, Walker got slapped by a woman he tried to hit on and one of the hobbits fell in an oily puddle whilst getting off the bus. He was heroically rescued by walker who smiled that smile that goes _TING_ and flourished his sword theatrically, making the others role there eyes.

2 days later

"We're lost" Pam whined. "Dodo, I'm bored."

"I know Pam, my feet hurt and my burden is so heavy" Dodo replied wearily.

Pam brightened. "I can I give you a foot rub?" He asked hopefully.

"Ummm no", Dodo responded.

"Awwww, at least let me carry your bag"

"Thanks Pam" Dodo said, handing Pam his heavy rucksack.

"and that shirt looks heavy to" Pam said, ever hopeful.

"Nice try Pam" Dodo said, giggling. _Wait a second_ thought Dodo, '_Since when do I giggle? Shit!'_

_'Damn'_ thought Pam.

"Now, I swear we walked past that ginger bread house before" said Blondelas.

"Yup" the others replied.

"Lets stop and ask for directions" Pipi said.

"Never!" Walker cried and charged forwards, until he saw a squirrel, sauntering up to it he started to talk.

"What's he saying?" Dodo asked Gimi.

"Do I look like I speak squirrel?" Gimi answered slightly annoyed.

"How about you Blondelas, do you know what he's saying?"

"All I can say in squirrel is - squeekysqueekensqueeketysqeeksqueek.." said Blondelas.

"What does that mean?" Pam asked.

"It translates as- I insulted Zelda whilst walking past a LAN cafe and was beaten half to death by nerds with replica light sabers, please call the authorities!"

The others stared

Blondelas blushed, "it happens" he said darkly.

The others shivered and watched the squirrel slap Walker.

"Oowwww shot down again" Dodo said sympathetically.

"God, why is the man so dammed horny all the time? Pipi asked.

"I think he has been on the road way to long. Never trust those heroic types when they aren't getting laid." Pam said.

They went quiet as Walker walked back, looking dejected.

"Did you get directions?" Dodo asked.

"No", said Walker sulkily.

Just then something blurred past them, and came running back at a speed thought impossible to those who had never traveled past light speed (warp 5.5 at least).

It turned out to be neither a bird or a plane but a nervous looking middle aged man.

"Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit..." he repeated "Any of you guys know a florist that's open?"

"What's up?" the wizard asked.

"Where the fuck did you come from?" A stunned Dodo asked the wizard.

"Shut up and stop pointing out plot holes" he replied angrily.

The man kept repeating his mantra of "ohshitohshitohshit..."

"What's up?" Pipi asked.

"I need flowers for my lady" the man said nervously.

"Lady?" Pam asked.

"My wife, I totally forgot my anniversary." He said sinking down onto the nearest moss covered bolder.

"Ouch" the guy chorused sympathetically.

"15 years" he sobbed "and now she's gonna kill me!"

"Its ok" The wizard said, "I have a cunning plan."

Dodo tried to run, but found himself in Grandalf's vice like grip

"Adventure calls my dear hobbit" he said smiling, his eyes twinkled merrily and he laughed.

Dodo tried not to shit himself.


	3. Chapter 3

The strangely powerful wizard dragged a disgruntled Dodo through the undergrowth. But alas Dodo's protests fell on uncaring pointy ears. Seemingly oblivious of the young hobbits tantrum Grandalf turned to his companions and spoke in a misty voice, "sod off"   
"What?" asked Walker.  
"You heard me" the wizard said in a less misty and now distinctly annoyed voice, If your not a hairy footed little freak, bugger off and find something else to do and Gimi you can sod off too."

Gimi and blondelas made eye contact. Gimi licked his lips, Blondelas seemed entranced. "I'll just go and get some ummm.." Gimi thought desperately,"...fire wood" he finished, and with that Gimi smirked at Blondelas and strode deeper into the forest.  
Blondelas watched Gimi's retreating form, "I'll help" he squeaked before rushing after the dwarf. Walker pouted. "Even the bloody dwarfs getting some" he mumbled, not quite under his breath.  
"Getting some what?" Merri inquired. Pam put his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. Pipi shook his head at his silly friend. "Fire wood Merri, you heard him say"   
Faint giggling sounded from deep within the forest.  
"But its noon, why do we need a fire?" Merri asked. Grandalf looked awkward at the now frightful sounds emanating from the once peaceful forest.

Tom cleared his throat. "Soooooo how are we supposed to deal with my lady, cause if I go back without flowers or something she'll have me guts for garters a da doo da dilly hey." Every one in the fellowship present stared at him, and the disturbing noises temporarily stopped. The silence was deafening, Tom blushed. "Sorry" he said meekly "nervous habit". "Anyway" Grandalf said, "hear is my master plan, you will win her back with song". "But I sing all the time" Tom said.  
"Ahhh, but this time you will be accompanied, by...dadadada..." Grandalf reached behind his back and produced four of the campest outfits that have or ever will exist. "...hobbit back up dancers!"

Protests were immediately heard from Merri and Dodo, Pam was cooing over the outfits and Pipi was to busy trying to work out where the outfits had come from. He hasn't got pockets in the back of his robes thought the puzzled hobbit.  
Walker burst out laughing. "Your on your own" he said before fleeing.  
Grandalf gave the hobbits a look of pure venom." You WILL wear these outfits", he intoned "or you will face my wrath!"  
With that he began to cackle manically and everyone took a step back at once with the exception of Pipi who was now walking round Grandalf, still to work out where the outfits had come from.  
Once at Tom's house Tom looked pale. "Oh darling" he called weakly.

A woman appeared in the doorway, she was in her late twentys and was very pretty, she was also extremely pissed off. She looked Tom over and spotted the camply dressed hobbits and worse his lack of flowers. Eyes ablaze like the fires of hell she turned on him a look which nailed tom to the spot, then spoke in a voice so cold it would freeze nitrogen. "Well?" she asked. Her foot tapped slowly on the floor making every man with the exception of Pam flinch with each impact. Tom gulped "Ummm, are you ok?" he asked. Pam shook his head at Tom's stupidity and the aura of pure fury emanating from the woman increased three fold.

Dodo took in the situation and prepared to flee, but Grandalf had had the foresight to grab his arm to prevent the hobbits escape. Again Pam was more than a little pissed off and Dodo was wondering why people seemed to wish him a fiery death.

The woman took a breath, every male there new what was coming, there was only one reply to Tom's question.  
"Im fine" she replied at last, every syllable dripping with venom. Tom paled visibly.  
"Well a dilly dilly do my lady ummm I, ummm I brought these guys to help with my anniversary present a do do dilly".  
Her icy demeanor totally melted and she smiled warmly, before running and flinging herself at her husband.  
"Oh sweetie" she exclaimed, "you remembered!"  
Tom was looking even more panicked now, he new that this would not go down well.  
Tom stepped back, and signaled the hobbits to assume their positions. Grumbling they did so.

Tom launched into his rendition of Bryan Adams, everything I do. The hobbits danced along and provided backing vocals, Pam out danced them all, pissing off the other hobbits. Half way through the song Grandalf pulled out an electric guitar and began to get rather carried away.  
At the end of the song, Toms wife was not impressed. "Is that all you got?" she asked, the iciness had returned three fold.  
Tom was now terrified, he looked round at the guys for help.  
"Owwww" Pam cried excitedly, he started looking thought his bag and the smiled. He turned directly to Tom's wife. "Make up and highlights then he pulled out a DVD, and a romantic comedy". Pam exclaimed excitedly. "Yay, there are no girls to talk to round here" she squealed and grabbed hold of Pam and rushed inside.

Tom and the others looked fearfully at the house. Dodo spoke first, "no way in hell am I going in there!" The guys all shuddered at the thought of interrupting the girls night in. So they spent the night in a tree instead, the tree did try to eat the hobbits, but Tom's awful singing killed it and all was well.  
Grandalf spent most of the night making notes, and the hobbits found some ghosts and lost in a game of poker, leaving them naked and confused. Again Tom's singing saved the day and they gave back the hobbits stuff to shut him up, he also stole a broach to try to appease his wife.  
In the morning they went and fetched Pam and then left Tom to go back and fetch their companions.  
On the way back to where they had left there friends they noticed there was now a 6th member to their party who was following Grandalf, carrying his bag, as well as a cup of tea.  
Dodo looked at the teenage boy and his messy black hair. "Grandalf?', Dodo asked carefully.  
"What? the wizard replied.  
"What the fuck is with the bloody kid!"  
Grandalf took the tea from the skinny boy, "work experience." he replied. Every one now looked at the boy whose green eyes looked nervous. "My name's Harry, I'm gonna be a wizard who fights evil" the boy mumbled.  
The group was silent.

They finally found their companions sitting in a circle, Walker was sharpening his sword and Blondelas and Gimi were arguing, again.  
"Now we are together again, we can continue our journey!" Grandalf said. The others grumbled, but stood up ready to continue their peril filled perilous journey fraught with dangers and peril and now, with the addition of work experience boy to the fellowship, who made really bad tea.


	4. Chapter 4

"How long have we been walking for?" Merry asked. "I mean since the crazy guy with the stick and the jello and the screaming."

They looked at him. "What the hell merry!" Pipi asked.

"Well I was gonna you know, an then an an" he faded into silence under there stares. "Never mind" he said quietly.

"Well It is getting dark" Pam said. "Maybe we should make camp?"

"hmmmm" Grandalf said "who votes to camp here for the night?"

Every one put up ther hands, except Harry who was told his vote didn't count.

"Bloody stupid fellowship" he mummbled, "In my posse I'm boss.an we always get things done! I've vanquished more evil than these clowns..." Harry continued muttering unhappily, but they ignored him.

Now it was decided that they'd be makeing camp Grandalf started giving out orders. "Ok Gimi and Blondelas you go get the fire wood, Harry you make the tea, pam you cook, Dodo you go look all brooding and heroic over there..."

"Awww no fair" whined walker, "thats my act!"

"...Fine" The wizzard continued "Walker you go look brooding and heroic somewhere else, Merri and Pipi put up the tents."

"What tents" Pipi asked. Grandalf reached behind his back and produced four tents and held them out wordlessly.

How the hell does he keep doing that thought Pipi.

And with that they went about thier tasks, Walker searching for the best light to be brooding and herroic in, Pam cooking (badly), Harry whineing and makeing awful tea etc.

When all tasks were accomplished,they sat infront of the fire and discussed sleeping arrangements

I'm not sleeping with that elf! Gimi announced.

"Sure your not" Walker muttered.

"No one asked you to." Grandalf said, pretending not to have heard walker.

"Fine" said Gimi, "I'll share a damn tent with him."

Blondelas was at this point playing with his hair and not listening, That was until Gimi dragged him into the tent muttering how unjust it was that he had to share with elves.

"Riiiite" said Grandalf

Grandalf looked at Harry and said quietly. "Ummmm can you put a sound proofing charm on that tent" he said gesturing to tent Gimi had just entered. "As part of your work experience."

Harry kept his face blank and quickly cast the charm.

"Thank you" Grandalf said "...So we have four tents Gimi an Blondelas share one, Pam an Dodo share one, Merri an Pipi share , Walker sleeps alone." They all nodded solemly. " disappear to look all misterious and Harry stays up all night and word proccesses my notes on my laptop ... aggreed?"

"yeh sure" they said, accept Harry who once again wasn't allowed to vote.

That night dodo dreamed nine shadowy figures followed him,whether they were male or female, or even human he couldn't be sure.Only that they were fearsome and evil. He sat like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a truck as one reached out a hand and let out a fearful scream "awwwwwwwwww he's so cute."

A second scream woke everyone up. They rushed outside to where harry was being given a stern talking to by Grandalf.

"So when I said word proccess my notes you heard me say fill my hard drive with porn!"

Harry looked at his feet "ummmm."

"And this, fan fiction- You and Draco malfoy,Draco's love slave, Harry an Draco go to the beach-part five, Harry and Dracos slasshy night in...I mean what the hell, why do you write this stuff!"

Harry looked sheepish.

Grandalf opened one of the files, his face paled and he closed the laptop.

Just then harry was saved by the apperance of an evil looking man who looked part evil snake, part evil meglomaniac and ,part insane lawyer (who was evil).

I have you this time Jotter, you must die!"

"Ummm... so sorry Jeff, it's kind of a bad time" Harry said.

"ohh sorry,it's OK,I understand." The guy replied he seemed slightly upset.

"Oh don't be like that,it's just im kinda busy. I should have told you i wasn't on my regular class time table this week." Harry sounded guilty.

"No no,its ok"

"Thanks" said harry, "can we reschecule?"

"Hhmmm well call me when your free ok?"

"Sure" harry seemed more upbeat now.

Grandalf coughed discretly.

"Oh yeh,sorry" said Harry. "Guys this is he who's name is tricky to spell, he's been trying to kill me since I was a baby. I call him Jeff ."

"hi" the guys chourosed.

"and this is where im doing work experience,this is blondelas..."

"Don't you think i have amazing hair?" blondelas asked him.

"...this is gimi..."

"I have an axe"

"...pam..."

"love the look,the robe works wonderfully with you eyes very evil, very scarey,so this season"

"...dodo..."

"Hi"

"...pipi..."

"y0 I)III)3"

"...meri..."

"sup"

"... grandalf..."

"we've met said grandalf, avoiding eye contact"

"...and walker"

"sooo, you look like a very powerful dark lord, what you doing later?"

"riiiiite."

Jeff looked round. Well nice to met you all but I have to go, ludicrous bitches if im out to late.

"Oh" said Grandalf bitterly, "how is old ludy?"

"Not now Grandalf" he said quietly, before cherfully wishing them all good bye and disappearing in a puff of smoke.

The others shrugged, they were getting used to this weirdness.

"Well" said Dodo, "whats on the agenda for today."

Grandalf pointed to a letter box in a tree.

"See that" he asked. "We've fond the home of Gllllllllllllllllllladrielllll."


	5. Chapter 5

So our fellowship awakens to the unpleasant sun of a Monday morning. The birds are singing the sun is shining and somehow Dodo finds himself hung over and in possession of a traffic cone. As he wakes he goes through his post slumber escape attempt only to be thwarted by Grandalf. The fellowship awake for breakfast, unfortunately the only one who thought to pack food was Pam so they have slim fast and Harry makes tea.

"So you see that tree in the distance?" Grandalf asked.

"Which tree" Pipi asks, "there are lots of trees."

"The one with the bloody numbers on it and the empty milk bottles outside…that tree marks the entrance to Loriel the land of gllllllladrielllllect."

"So now all we've got to do is get over there and another step in our journey is complete" said Walker boldly.

"Not quite" said Grandalf once again in a mystical voice, "the way is frought with danger and peril."

Dodo looked at the tree and back again

It was about 50 feet away, all that stood in there way was some overgrown grass, he felt that he may just make it there alive.

"Will they have breakfast" asked Merry

"Yes" said Grandalf, neglecting to mention that elves ate mostly diet food, being very vein creatures.

"Then let's go".

They set of quite confidently across the slightly overgrown grass, Blondelas pranced slightly ahead and Walker lagged behind, stabbing every particularly overgrown clump of grass with his sword.

When they were 12 feet away Dodo noticed everything had gone dark. "WTF!" The stunned hobbit exclaimed to the darkness; he was lying on something soft, or someone. Then there was a grown behind him.

"I think I landed on my sword" Walker moaned

The person underneath him turned out to be Blondelas who was now sulking because there was mud in his hair

A very embarrassing and prolonged series of events lead to the fellowship establishing that they had all managed to fall down a manhole. Grandalf was smug now that his perilous predictions were proving true and that narrative convention was not abandoning him.

They set off through the damn sewer. Blondelas whined.

They had been walking for 10 minutes when Dodo thought he should tell Grandalf someone was following them…loudly. That is the person who was following them was loud not that Dodo felt he should explain this to Grandalf at a high volume.

Grandalf said he didn't hear anything

Now Dodo was getting annoyed. "There you bloody wizard, leaning against that wall, he's having a bloody cigarette I can see the light."

Hold on come with me so the fellowship went to confront the figure leaning against the wall

Pipi cheerfully greeted the lurking figure

"Ummmm… hi" the figure replied. It had glued on pointy ears, it was green.

The figure looked helplessly at the group who looked expectantly at it

"Hey what's your name?" Walker asked.

"Ummmm…" the figure produced a battered diary and leafed through it he looked at Dodo. "You must learn the ways of the force young Jedi?" he said slowly.

Dodo just looked puzzled

He leafed desperately through the book then he caught site of Harry.

"I've been a very bad goblin thing" it said as it repeatedly hit its head off a wall.

The group were shocked at this display of masochism.

Looking at the group again he continued to leaf through the book. "Stupid hobbits…he hates us?" he asked tentatively.

Grandalf subtly nodded at the figure who breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry" it hissed quietly, "mortgage payments mean I take on extra work…hi ya Harry … so ummm now we know who I am can I get back to tailing you in the dark?"

The fellowship responded with a series of shrugs and meh noises and resumed there journey followed by the devious glom or smegall.

He was proving difficult to ignore as he seemed to be accident prone and the noise of him tripping over rocks and landing on other rocks filled the tunnel.


End file.
